Titles? Before or after you write?

It's Been awhile since I wrote anything.  Really anything at all. Songs. lyrics. ideas. lists. blogs.  I need to get back to making it routine.  Life is all out of sync right now.  Not anything bad. But I can't really find any traction in anything I'm doing.  I try to make a plan, but the plan doesn't stick.  I try to make a routine, but imminent pressing distractions of the best and worst kind come and dismantle it on a daily basis.  I'll make a list of To Do's, and get one thing done. 

I don't feel like I'm being un-productive or lazy or procrastinating, (Well maybe a little) but just that everyday is something unpredictable lately.  It's like I can hardly make a plan for today, let alone a week or a month!  I don't know why. I think I need to wake up earlier.  I hate mornings, we fought a lot in my younger days and College and sometime in my 20's I gave them the finger and decided to ignore and avoid them at all costs.  That said, I need to wake up earlier.  I keep reading and hearing that successful and productive people get up early.  Early for me is not early, but it's a start. 

I'm really terrified lately of being one of those people that's waiting around for life to happen, and someday I'll wake up and it will have happened.  I don't take much for granted and try to count my blessings everyday, (I lose track because I am very lucky) but I'm not much of an action taker, and now is the time For Ryan Flick action.  I kind of wait for things to come to me because it seems easier to sit on the bank of the river and wait for something to float in my general direction.  What I should do is put some waders on and Jump in with a fishing rod and learn how to catch fish! 

I have a terrible fear of failure, so I don't try things that have high risk involved with them.  Personal risk is my biggest fear.  Losing people, losing money, losing time, Losing the energy it takes to make music...  Feeling like what I'm doing could result in those terrifies me.  So looking towards the future, I'm afraid of what happens if I don't take that risk.  If I don't do the things my heart and soul are speaking to me on.   those things my heart and soul speak to me on throw caution to the wind, and stuff all known wisdom into a box and dig a hole to bury it in like one of those "time capsule" things we put stuff in during elementary school and are going to dig up in 2040 or something. 

I want so bad to tell people "this is what I'm doing! This is what I'm working towards and I promise I'll have it all together by the end of the year!"  I want to tell myself that to. Sometimes I wish someone would just push me into something.  Anything I can work hard at and feel some satisfaction and fulfillment at the end of the day. there's just too much crap to wade through, but I guess I could catch a Fish if I just put my damn feet in the water. 

 Anytime I try and leave music though, it's like a death in my soul.  I get depressed. Irritable. I lose motivation for everything.  As hard as music can be sometimes, which is precisely why I am thinking so hard about the future, it moves me. It makes me who I am. It is my motivation and passion and love and really my soul.  So my future includes music.  It includes music at the center of my attention.  As my work.  What river I can wade into to find this is another quest all together.  One I'm hoping to begin on. 

 

This is why I wrote the Title before I wrote this blog.  I had no idea what was going to happen. I'm not topic oriented I guess.  Maybe I am in my head, but don't cage me in man. 

 

 

Comments

Isaiah 32:17 The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever.
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