When You Don't Know What You Need

EVER HAVE THOSE TIMES WHEN YOU REALLY WANT SOMETHING?  IF YOU COULD ONLY HAVE THIS ONE THING RIGHT NOW, EVERYTHING WOULD BE PERFECT.  LIKE A HANKERING FOR MCDONALDS FRENCH FRIES WHEN YOU ARE ON A 3 DAY HIKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOUNTAINS AND MCDONALDS SHOULD BE THE FURTHEST THING FROM MIND.  BUT FRENCH FRIES SOUND REALLY GOOD AND IF YOU COULD GET SOME IT WOULD REALLY MAKE ALL THIS HIKING ALOT LESS STRESSFUL.  I'D SAY, DOWNRIGHT ENJOYABLE.  

BUT WHAT IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT?  WHAT IF NOTHING IS SATISFACTORY? WHAT IF THAT ITCH IS IN THAT SPOT ON YOUR BACK THAT YOU CAN'T REACH, AND THAT OTHER PERSON YOU HAVE ASKED TO SCRATCH IT JUST ISN'T DOING IT RIGHT? 

CS LEWIS HAS A QUOTE THAT SAYS, "IF NOTHING ON EARTH TRULY SATISFIES US, THAN SURELY WE WERE MADE TO BE SOMEWHERE ELSE." oR SOMETHING LIKE THAT...  THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE AN ENLIGHTMENT ON HEAVEN, AND THAT WE ALL WILL BE TRULY SATISFIED THERE.  BUT IT IS INTERESTING, THAT THE THINGS THIS WOLRD TELLS US TO BELIEVE IN FOR HAPPINESS, LEAVE US EMPTY.  BUT WE KEEP DOING THEM, BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WE DO.  IT IS WHO WE ARE.  WHY?  WHY IN A ROOMFUL OF PEOPLE AND FRIENDS, CAN YOU STILL FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE?

TONIGHT, ALL WEEK, ALL OF 2012 AND MOST OF LAST YEAR, THERE HAS BEEN A DEEP UNSATISFIED ACHE SOMEWHERE DEEP IN MY SOUL. A YEARNING. I CAN FEEL IT EVERYWHERE I GO.  THERE IS SOMETHING I WANT, THAT I CAN'T PUT A FINGER ON.  FRENCH FRIES DO NOT HELP.  OKAY, THEY HELP A LITTLE.  BUT REALLY I TRY TO COVER IT UP EVERYWAY I CAN.  I TRY TO DROWN IT WITH ALCHOHOL.  I TRY TO SPEAK TO IT WITH MUSIC. I WILL GO ON ENDLESS WALKS AROUND THE PARK AND MY NEIGHBORHOOD. OR DRIVE WITH NO PLACE IN MIND TO GO.  ALL  TO TRY AND SOOTHE THIS THING.  SOMETIMES I JUST STARE AT AN EMPTY WALL.  OR FACEBOOK. SAMETHING REALLY. 

ITS NOT DEPRESSING.  I THINK IT'S A SIGN OF BEING ALIVE.  OF DRIVE MAYBE?  I DON'T THINK ANYTHING IN MY LIFE IS PARTICULARY TERRIBLE.  BUT I AM VERY UNSATISFIED RIGHT NOW.  THERE'S THAT SCENE IN GARDEN STATE WHERE THEY JUST YELL INTO AN EMPTY CANYON AND THIS SENSE THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY IS THERE.  I FEEL LIKE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.  I NEED A CANYON.  AND NATALIE PORTMAN. AND THAT SONG BY THE SHINS IN THAT MOVIE. 

Be the first to respond!

Leave a comment:

  •